I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He shit in the fireplace
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
