He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
