Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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