Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
