nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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