she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize