now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
