as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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