if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
