I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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