oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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