dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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