It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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