It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
two words: eviction party
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
