I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
