I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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