I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
