i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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