If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
