Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
