ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
