oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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