best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize