I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
