You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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