I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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