my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
