It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
