the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize