The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
