The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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