he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
