let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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