i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
