I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
