I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
