mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize