i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
