I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
