i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
