i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
