You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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