the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
