Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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