Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
