im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
