I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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