I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
