I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
