i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
