and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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