I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
