I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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