Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
