When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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