he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
