Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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