wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
