It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
