bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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